Sometimes

I think my heart will literally burst.

I checked on you - EACH of you - after you went to bed tonight. Sneaking in to gaze at you while you slept. Watching your body rise and fall - the way a child's does, when movements are not yet limited to just a single part, but are still done with the whole body.

Twice.

We went to the park today. It was windier than advertised, and halfway there I thought it was too chilly to stay out too long, especially since I had left my warm coffee at home.

We stayed for over an hour. Somehow staying warm by holding hands, finding the sunlight and running in circles.

Daddy is gone this weekend. It is just us. The three amigos. I call you my best friends. And it is kind of true... though kind of not, at least for long, because friends are not parents and parents are not friends - at least not forever. Before I blink again we will be at odds and I will have to be the parent "for your own good" and it will be for your own good, but you won't see it, and you will find other people and alter your orbit to circle around them instead and you will complain about your oh so lame mom, and I will probably cry a little, but I won't let you see. But for now, while I consider creeping back in to watch you sleep just one more time, we are best friends.

And the knowledge of that. The awareness that you are mine, and I am yours. That, at least for right now, we belong to each other... well, it makes me think sometimes that my heart will just burst.

Home Sweet Home

Yesterday I quit my job. Today, we bought a house.

Ok, in reality, yesterday I gave 2 weeks notice, and technically, we just have a contract to buy a house, but... still. Appreciate the drama.

Tonight, after the kids got in bed, Steve and I popped open a bottle of champagne, and Steve clicked his red solo cup against mine (we have already packed our champagne glasses), and said "Here is to our new home." I paused, and said "This is for our HOUSE. Not our home. Our house."

Generally a home seems like something more desirable than a house. But the truth is, a home is something you create. We have had that since we got married. A house... well a house... we just bought.

I told Steve that I feel like we bought this house for Cooper. Yes, Daphne too, because in a few years she will be at an age where she will want a house, a yard, her own walls to paint, her own closet to make pencil marks in as she grows in quarters of inches.

But Cooper is there now, and I think to myself - how insane that we just bought a house for a 4 year old?

And then I think... I can't think of a single better reason.

Here's to your new house, Coop. May your walls forever be Chick Hicks Green.

The Fun Parent

Usually, I am the "fun" parent. Usually, I am the one that pulls the mattress of the bedframe and boxspring and practices summersaults on the homemade "gymnastics mat" on the floor. Usually, I am the one that brings home cookies and cupcakes and spoils dinner, or hypes them up right before bedtime. I play "crawl get you" and tickle monster, I bust out markers and let them draw all over me.. themselves... I start the dance parties, and with the kids help, we close the living room down. In short, I drive Steve crazy, and totally get to come home and be FUN until bedtime. This is an unexpected dynamic. I assumed I would be the strict parent, but in the little time I have with the kids, strict seems SO overrated. Not to say Steve is not also fun - he is... very. He plays cars and trains better than me. But he is also here all the time. He gets to be fun off and on throughout the day, whereas I usually have to jam all of my fun in just a few hours. Generally speaking, I am down with that. I would rather work hard to make those fun memories when I can, than give up trying. Apparently, I, while 30 and old and tired all the time, am still just am immature kid who can forget to act old, forget to feel tired.

But lately... There has been STRESS. Large quantities of stress. And I find myself being shorter with Cooper, and more exhausted than I have been in a long time. My mind is racing in circles and I can't stop the STRESS and apparently, while being 30 doesn't require me to act like a grown up, dealing with this level of STRESS has taken the fun right out of me... Or at least, it has been trying, and at times winning.

And I hate it.

I am not sure what to do about it. Generally I operate fairly well under stress... I tend to ruminate and not sleep and multi-task and bite my nails and drink coffee to an extreme, yes, but it doesn't usually impact me with the kids. Usually, my time with them is my time to STOP being me, the responsible adult, and just be me, the FUN parent. A role I relish.

I know that this too shall pass. But the right now is hard.

But then I look at them...

... and I just have to recommit to try a little harder.

Because...

It is the middle of the day and I find myself in a somewhat unusual position of having everything off my plate (for the moment... can't go home, because plenty will be served up for me again soon...) and wanting to spend a few minutes lingering over pictures of my littles, I decided to put up some of the most cute recent pics...

Daphne is ALL girl in some ways. IN particular, her grooming. She loves baths and bubbles and body lotion. She is convinced that when she steals my blush brush she knows just what she is doing (though I have never once, even accidentally, put it in my mouth as part of my make-up application ritual). She also loves having her hair done. Given her **willful** personality, I was so sad when I thought that she would probably fight me off at every attempt to get her mullet-esque hair into some sort of discernible style. Much to my delight, she proved me wrong and will come up to me with a clip in hand, give me the clip, and then drop her head, waiting for me to adorn her with style. Most recently, she finally grew enough hair long enough to allow for:

HIGH PIGTAILS!!!

Mamaw went to London, and she (and Great Aunt Krishia) brought back the kids some amazing stuff! Cooper does not ever want to take his helmet off, and Daphne is quite delighted we are finally dressing her as a proper princess.

Here is Daphne, quite content to sit in a bucket covered in lovies.

You can see the discontent begin to show on her face when I ask Coop to get in the shot (he had just finished so "helpfully" filling the basket with toys on top of her).

And now I shall hit "publish" so I can scroll through their faces and think how amazing it is that they are mine.

Easter (and other pictures)

Easter weekend was lovely and we were able to actually spend a good chunk of it outside. It took until nearly April, but by God, we FINALLY got some sunshine and warmth. The kids were in heaven. As expected, Daphne was a BIG fan of egg hunting once she learned there were M&Ms in there, and Cooper is just a big fan of any day that is a holiday. There has been so much chaos and craziness in the past few weeks, I am sitting here wondering what to say about it all, but really, I can't think of a single thing to say other than how stinking adorable are my kids???

Oh, yes, that. Cooper is an AVID Bulls fan. He is known to break into hysterical laughter when watching the Bulls introduction, and we will often pretend to be players as he announces us in the living room ("and now, the man in the middle, Joakim Noah" (is HILARIOUS when said by a 4 year old)). He REALLY likes Noah, so much so, that he will ask me to put his hair up like Noah's so he can play basketball in the living room.

My littles. Enjoying the sun and each other.

The Easter bunny thought it would be fun to bring the kids a giant cardboard house that they could color...

Little did the Easter bunny know, this was just what they needed, only 24 hours prior... See???

Look closer:

Yes - the night before, Steve went in to tell Coop to quiet down because he was still making noise after we put him to bed, and we found this masterpiece on the wall. As soon as Steve asked him what it was, you could tell he knew he had done something naughty. And he had. But so help me, we just couldn't find it in us to be mad. I mean we said the requisite things about respecting other people's property (which we definitely mean), and how to never do that again, and how we only color on paper... etc. etc., but... but... well, it is just such a normal thing for him to do, and he was clearly so worried he was busted. All in all, I quite like his drawing and think it was a very good interpretation of Doctor Frankenwagon's Monster, don't you?

Both kids LOVED playing in and drawing all over the house. Until, that is, Daphne aka "the Beast" knocked the whole thing down.